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Posted on 2010.04.15 at 23:27


This is in regards the boy. He has wanted to be a police officer for as long as he can remember. One of those little boy dreams i suppose and he is currently in the process of making this dream a reality. 
Despite my many protests.
Dont get me wrong, i am grateful for police officers. They are brave and strong and we need them in every community.
I just dont want them to have my partner as one of theres.
You know how you can refer to people as glass half full or glass half empty sorts of people? Well the boy is glass ENTIRELY full. There is no negative to any situation, no negative side even exists and thats what worries me.
He is going into this expecting guns, high speed chases and good old fashioned fights. He's not seeing, the boring two years training, the tons of paperwork, dealing with drunken idiots or whiny people with nothing better to do. And worse he's not thinking about car accidents where people are killed and are hardly recognizable. He's not thinking about rape victims or dead children or murder. He's not thinking about any of that.
And he says to me (and many of you are probably thinking it) "why would i think about all that stuff?"
And my response to him is that he has too. He has to consider how his life will be altered and how his mind could be changed. I dont want we he sees and then is unable to talk about with me (the boy isnt so good at sharing feelings because, well, he never is really upset to the point of needing to share) to change him or our relationship. I don't want him to come home injured, even if its just a bruise.
The boy is a pure spirit. I often make fun of him for being so naive. He has never experienced heartbreak, death of a loved one, travel, a fight with a friend. Most of the things that people have experienced by his age he hasn't and im worried that him going into this will give him the biggest shock and it will either
A) Change his mind about wanting to do it
or
B) Change him.

And frankly the second option scares me, i don't want anything to change.

But the thing that gets me (and maybe this is a bit selfish) is that he isnt considering me in any of this. I mean i suppose he is in a sense that he sees the money and that we can move out sooner, but in terms of this job changing him, changing our relationship or in worst case scenario taking him away from me forever he isn't considering me. He isnt thinking about what i would be without him. Which is a hopeless, blubbering mess.
I put what i wanted (career wise) on hold so that he could make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I don't want to be tied down with uni work if i only get to see him a day or so a week if his is in training. I could go overseas again, i could do so many things had he decided just a little bit sooner what he wants to do.
But thats the way i am. I NEED him in my life and as much as he loves me i don't think he relies on me as much, and if he does he doesn't show it.

In all honesty, im scared.

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