(no subject)

This is in regards the boy. He has wanted to be a police officer for as long as he can remember. One of those little boy dreams i suppose and he is currently in the process of making this dream a reality. 
Despite my many protests.
Dont get me wrong, i am grateful for police officers. They are brave and strong and we need them in every community.
I just dont want them to have my partner as one of theres.
You know how you can refer to people as glass half full or glass half empty sorts of people? Well the boy is glass ENTIRELY full. There is no negative to any situation, no negative side even exists and thats what worries me.
He is going into this expecting guns, high speed chases and good old fashioned fights. He's not seeing, the boring two years training, the tons of paperwork, dealing with drunken idiots or whiny people with nothing better to do. And worse he's not thinking about car accidents where people are killed and are hardly recognizable. He's not thinking about rape victims or dead children or murder. He's not thinking about any of that.
And he says to me (and many of you are probably thinking it) "why would i think about all that stuff?"
And my response to him is that he has too. He has to consider how his life will be altered and how his mind could be changed. I dont want we he sees and then is unable to talk about with me (the boy isnt so good at sharing feelings because, well, he never is really upset to the point of needing to share) to change him or our relationship. I don't want him to come home injured, even if its just a bruise.
The boy is a pure spirit. I often make fun of him for being so naive. He has never experienced heartbreak, death of a loved one, travel, a fight with a friend. Most of the things that people have experienced by his age he hasn't and im worried that him going into this will give him the biggest shock and it will either
A) Change his mind about wanting to do it
B) Change him.

And frankly the second option scares me, i don't want anything to change.

But the thing that gets me (and maybe this is a bit selfish) is that he isnt considering me in any of this. I mean i suppose he is in a sense that he sees the money and that we can move out sooner, but in terms of this job changing him, changing our relationship or in worst case scenario taking him away from me forever he isn't considering me. He isnt thinking about what i would be without him. Which is a hopeless, blubbering mess.
I put what i wanted (career wise) on hold so that he could make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I don't want to be tied down with uni work if i only get to see him a day or so a week if his is in training. I could go overseas again, i could do so many things had he decided just a little bit sooner what he wants to do.
But thats the way i am. I NEED him in my life and as much as he loves me i don't think he relies on me as much, and if he does he doesn't show it.

In all honesty, im scared.

Writer's Block: Turn and face the strain

What is the biggest major life change you've made in the past five years? Do you think it was positive, negative, or neutral?

Haha, i love these things, it gives me things to talk about and im still being honest in a way that a journal needs to be!

Ok, last 5 years? Well in that time i would say that there have been a few major life changes. I graduated school, finished a book, moved in with my dad, saw europe, decided what career path i am going to choose and experienced many new things out in the "real" world.
But not necessarily in that order! lol.

But i think the thing that has been the most life altering for me would have been moving in with my father.
My Dad has a very contrasting personality. On one hand he is a major stress head but he never yells. He is absolutely meticulous but wont get frustrated if my room is messy. He is the funniest person i know but also one of the shyest.
My mum and i have basically the same personalities so when i lived with her we would always clash and fight. Plus she was a single parent of 4 with a tiny income and that also caused more stress. Which in turn caused more rifts between us.

With my Dad i think its been because he has been separated from his kids (we only saw him on weekends growing up) for so long and he only saw us for small amounts of time that he never yells or gets mad at us. He doesnt see the need and he knows it wont get him anywhere.

With my dad nothing is too much for me and my brother. We are his world and he will do anything. Travelling back and forth to get us from mums. Getting us at all hours. And recently while i have been looking for jobs, waiting for over an hour whilst i am in an interview. Yes it is boring for him and yes he probably wishes he was somewhere else but i am his daughter and that is enough reason for him to hang around.
If it were my mother she would have told me to make my own way. She wouldnt even offer. And i know in a sense thats fair enough but its nice to now live somewhere where i dont feel like a burden. My mum would make it so plainly obvious that she didnt want to take us anywhere, make it obvious that it was such a big chore for her and that it was using so much petrol. 
Thankgod the boy got his license as early as he could! haha.

My dad loves me, he tells me that every day. We always give each other hugs and he makes me aware of the fact that he would do anything for me, that i am his princess and while i know my mother loves me and i love her i believe that leaving her was the smartest thing ive ever done. I am happier, i stress less and definately feel like less of a burden.

But in saying that because i have lived away from my father for so long i have also grown away from some of the comfortableness that i have with my mum and my brothers at her place. For instance i would never fart around my father despite he makes a sport out of it! 
The way i am at the two places varies a little. But once again if i was able to go back to when i was 4 years old and my parents split up and i was able to choose which parent i lived with i would chose my father. Every time. I love my mum, but like i said, i dont think i benefited from being brought up by her. She was single without a job and i spent so much of my time just hating her.
My father is a smart man, intellectually and financially and i just think that i would have enjoyed my childhood more was i not worrying about having to look after my brothers or if mum was going to make ends meet this week.

Living with mum was stressful, i still feel it whenever i visit her despite the fact that she is now engaged to a financially stable man.

End of story, i love my dad i love my mum, but the best decision i have made in the last five years was moving from one place to another.

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Writer's Block: So far so good

What's the best movie you've seen so far this year? How about the best song? The best book?

This year? Wow, all the ones i think of are from last year! haha.

Ok, Movie: Thats easy, Avatar without a doubt. I cant wait for the sequel and i have developed an unusual crush on Sam Worthington. No idea why, he isnt that good to look at, but the way he was as Jake was perfect. Loved him in it.

The Best Song: For me this year it would have to be one off 30 Seconds to Mars' new album 'This Is War' i know it came out in December but i only got it this year. And i love it. So for best song of 2010 so far it would be 'Hurricane.'

Best Book: I havent done as much reading as i would have liked this year. So far my number is at 13 and i would probably have to say that while i have liked every book i have read bar a couple the best one so far would have to be 'Dear John' by Nicholas Sparks. I havent seen the movie (i intend to hire it when it comes out so i can cry like a baby by myself and feel less shame! lol) but the book was so good. Poignant, heartfelt and heartbreaking. My only qualm with the movie and the book was that Savannah was meant to be brunette!

Another Postsecret...

My dad is my favourite person in the whole world. I dont know what i would do if anything were to happen to him. I really dont think i would recover. And the same for him if anything were to happen to me. He is my shining star. :-)

Writer's Block: Another sleepless night

Do you suffer from occasional or frequent insomnia? Do you have any special tricks or remedies? How does it impact your life?

Unfortunately i suffer from it regularly. Not so badly that i cant sleep at all. it just usually takes me a couple of hours to fall asleep. And lets face it, when your lying there doing nothing a couple of hours really feels like forever.

Mostly i think it happens because i stress and worry and overthink absolutely everything in my life. Its my biggest flaw and i hate it so much. i wish i could be more carefree, but doing that, and being happy, is hands down the hardest thing ive ever had to do. And so when im lying in bed and not thinking about all of the things that had me distracted all day, the things that i didnt get a chance to think about creep into my head and then i cant help but go over them over and over and over.

Tricks and remedies? Listening to calming music usually helps. Ill find ill drift off for a bit and when i wake up ill turn the ipod off and then fall asleep.

It doesnt impact my life hugely, just that im more tired (and maybe a little grumpier) the next day. :-)

Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?

Whether you've chosen to have children or live child-free, how and when did you (or will you) reach this decision? If you're in a relationship, did you (or will you) decide separately or together?

I am 20 years old so mostly whenever i say that i dont want kids everyone always says that ill change my mind. Let me put it to you this way. My parents broke up when i was four.
My mum got with a new guy had 2 more kids and they were broken up by the time i was 10. Essentially my mother hasnt had a stable relationship since then (well she's engaged now but since i dont live with her it doesnt count) and so i was relied on to look after my brothers alot. I changed my first nappy when i was 6 and i had to sacrifice alot of my social life to look after my brothers. Now that may seem selfish and it would be if i was annoyed that i had to stay home with the boys and my mum but it sucked because i had to stay at home so my mother could go and meet prospective men that she had met on the internet! Thats what gave me the shits.

My brothers are not behind the reason as to why i dont want kids, i love them so much, but i do believe that i have been a second mother to them since day one and therefore ive already had my share of being a mother.

The main reason i dont want kids is because im selfish i suppose, i want a career, i want to be able to travel and work and do what i want. But if the time came and im 30 and im successful and my husband is successful and we feel like we can do it then who knows, maybe.
Reason number two, i would not be able to live through it if something were to happen to them, an accident, paralysis, death. Or if they were born with it. I would not love them any less but i would not be able to cope, i am way to weak like that
Reason number three. I would want to make sure that i can give them the best upbringing possible. I would want them to have nice things, live in a nice house, have parents that are still together. Im lucky that i dont remember my parents divorce and that they still get along. but its sad that i dont remember them together at all. But it would be worse if they broke up when i was 15 or 30 and they hated each others guts (well actually my dad really doesnt like my mum but he hides that around her).

I love babies, their smell and their funny little facials they are so cute. But between 3 and 8 and then again between 13 and 18 they are the most annoying things on the planet. I hate it when your on a train or something and a kid is just making this god awful noise. Everyone wants the kid to shut up but the mother just ignores it and lets the kid do it. Something like that probably would have annoyed her before she had kids but now that she has them, them making a loud noise is the last of her worries when she has so many other things to worry about. I dont want to be like that. I want to beat those annoying kids senseless! lol. i have no patience for stuff like that. I would be the strictess mum in the world!

Which leads me onto my partner. Babies love him, seriously, babies cry around me, they love him. But he dislikes babies. For no particular reason. He wants to be able to do what he wants so i get that and i agree with him. so we have mutually agreed that we don't want kids but if either of us changes our minds then we will talk about it.

Writer's Block: Ten years to the day

What do you expect to be doing ten years from today, and where do you hope to be living?

Wow, this could go so many different ways.

Well to answer what i expect to be doing (actually its more like hope) is writing. Its the one thing that i want to do and while it may frustrate me more than anything else on a regular basis its still the thing that makes me the most proud of myself and bring me the most joy when i am on a roll.

Where do i hope to be living? Well Europe would be amazing, somewhere like the small town that my Aunt lives in would be fantastic, just to get away from the hustle and bustle for a bit. But ultimately as long as im still with the boy and we are happy then i dont really mind.


Writer's Block: Between the slices

What's your favorite sandwich? Do you make it yourself or go somewhere special to buy it? What's in it?!

Favorite sandwich is easy, because i am aussie. Fresh, fresh, fresh, white bread (if its still a little warm, even better) with crispy crusts, alot of butter and a scraping of Vegemite.

Not going to beat that.

And no i dont buy it from anywhere, i make it, and nobody that tries to make one for me can do it just right.

Yummy, feel like a Vegemite sandwich now!


Ok as i have posted on here previously i would love to be an actor. I love all the comradarie that comes with being in a movie, the friendships everything but mostly (because i write, i think) because i love being able to put myself into another world. i just like everything that seems to come with it. The fame doesnt bother me, if anything its the part that drives me away from it. The money would be nice but its not whats drawing me to it. You would have to be insanely famous to have the level of money that would require you to not have a care in the world about your spending.

Anyway, i like to say that i dont care what people think and with most things i dont, but when it comes to worrying if people will think im bad at something (like say, acting, lol) i chicken out dont go ahead with it to save myself from possible embarrassment. My biggest regret is that i didnt stick with dancing, because i love to dance but because i havent danced in so long im scared to walk into a studio where random people go and sucking big time. But i love dancing and i love music and what i watch shows like 'so you think you can dance' its kist makes me think, 'you idiot' but mainly i stopped because i moved schools and i was worried about trying out in front of all new kids that had been in the troupes for years. so again i think its mainly i worry what people think when it comes to my talents (or lack thereof!)

Moving on, younger brother by two years has always been an exhibitionist. walks around the house, outside, nude. loud, crazy and in my opinion stupid. But to everyone else that is signal for 'oh he would make a good actor', yeah maybe if he is in the annoying style of Jim Carrey but never the less he took drama at school and performed monologues to the same style of his personality, crazy, stupid etc.

He resigned himself to the fact that getting into acting would be really hard, nevertheless he is about to undergo a bachelor of arts course at his local uni majoring in Drama. He also somehow knows someone who knows someone who organises the 'extras' for our local soap show which is set at the beach. But now, annoyingly he has sent his picture to the lady who says that he has 'the look' (tall, tan, blonde afro) and wants to see where his acting skills are at.

To put it bluntly i would be so insanely jealous if he got this. I have constantly lived in the shadow of his over zealous personality and this would cause me to be swept under the rug completely. Yes i would love to be a published writer but this is not met with the same enthusiasm from my parents as what my brother being an actor.

I dont want him to get it. I dont want him to have what i think i have more. If i mentioned that i wanted to be an actor my dad would probably tell me to go with it if i wanted. My mother? well she would laugh in my face. She is the one that told me to 'get over' my depression because i 'have nothing to be depressed about'. Im one of those kids that dislikes their mother. We dont get along and she makes me feel like crap.

But still, i dont want him to succeed. it may sound terrible but im sick of him being in the forefront of everything because he doesnt give anyone else an opportunity to look at anyone but him.

(no subject)

Ok this is obviously in regards to the elusive friendship that has been mentioned on here a few times. 
Dont want to go into too much detail cuz ill be here all night! LOL.
But just know this, I miss him more than i ever thought possible. and i hate him in a way that i didnt think i ever could. But i still love him more than i know i should.
I havent spoken to him properly in years but because there was no closure that feeling will just sit there and fester until i know that what happened was for a reason.