September 2nd, 2008


hi again.
was about to go to bed and then i decided that i would post a quick thought on here.
well life is ordinary as always. i miss my boyfriend like hell cuz im about an hour away from him and living with my father. honestly i think im doing my head in. i moved here to be calmer and while i am i just miss him like crazy. i honestly think i love him more cuz i miss him so much. Mondays are the worst for me. i spend the first half of my morning trying not to cry in front of my colleagues and once lunch time comes and goes it gets a little better. once monday is over i still despise getting up and going to work but its not as hard emotionally for me. i know that the rest of the week goes so fast. and i love wednesdays cuz we are at the middle and its only 2 days till i see my boyfriend again.

while im down here i dont really talk to anyone. all my friends are where i used to live and i only see them every now and again cuz they are at uni. the one friend i have down here happens to be my ex-boyfriend. i dated him when i was very young and we were always more friends than we were partners. he is 2 years older than me and currently engaged. although now i think he is regretting it. not because he doesnt love her because he does but he asked her to marry him with clear intentions of a long engagement and she is trying to push it along. not one of my friends have ever met him and i intend to keep it that way. i think he is a good person but he is so unlike all of my other friends and not necessarily someone i want them to associate with. He's into fast cars and doing things that are small, yes, but also illegal. he has admitted to me that he cheated on his fiance a couple of years into their relationship but never told her.
the thing that i think continues to connect me and him is his brother. almost 4 years to the day his older brother of 3 years died of an accidental overdose. i maintain that he committed suicide but this cannot be mentioned around the family. his older brother, lets call him John got married when he was very young to his highschool sweetheart when she left him 2 years into their marriage everything went downhill. everyone was worried about john but then a new job came along and everything was looking up. but then the youngest son in the family, 15 at the time and the brother below my ex, came home from school to find his oldest brother unresponsive on his bed. this brother still admittedly has nightmares and sees a psychologist and obviously my ex who was as close as ever to john relied on me a hell of a lot. we had only recently broken up and for some reason he felt that he could tell me everything. i didnt go to johns funeral but i have visited his grave. its an odd feeling to be there comforting a 6'2" male but im glad that i can be that for him. but johns death, i believe, is the reason that my ex and i bonded so well and remain such good friends today. well that along with our mutual love of cars and soccer!

on to other things, i want to love being in a different environment and trying new things but after 6 months im just not adjusting which is why i have decided that at the end of october i am quitting my job and going to work part time in retail. i will then go to uni and train myself for a job that i will love. hopefully something in media!

until next time,

peace and love

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