September 29th, 2008

wanting something different.

i cant believe how hard it is to be able to get things finished or find time for your self when you are working full time.
im considering asking my boss if i can work part time instead of full time. working full time and being only one year out of highschool is driving me absolutely insane. i cant believe how quickly i rushed into things and how if i could i would take it back. i shouldnt have gone into full time work straight away and i shouldnt have moved away from everything that i knew. and especially from my boyfriend.
i think i think i could have handled it because before i left i didnt feel anywhere near as strongly for him. it might be because i saw him everyday or it might have just been the fact that there are certain little elements about him that annoy me. but now that ive been away from him i feel more strongly but im worried that should i move back up there or start spending more time with him that i will go back to feeling that way again.
i want to spend half my time with my father and half my time where my boyfriend lives so technically i wouldnt really have a home.
but in doing that i know i would break my fathers heart because he has waited so long for me to be with him. but as much as i love him, at the end of the day, im not happy.
i feel like i have to justify every decision i make. should i buy that? what should i say if im sick and need time off work? how should i say that im miserable? and how do i ask my mother to move back in without it proving to her that i couldnt cope like she said?
i always knew that i would hate the responsibilities that came with being an adult and no longer at school. but the day had to come.
i only wished i had have taken it a bit slower. but even now if i go to part time my boyfriend is still full time and he has no intention to change or to travel or do anything like that. he wants to go straight from school into full time blue collar work for the rest of his life. he doesnt care if he doesnt get to see and experience new things because it hasnt been drilled into his head over and over, like me, to see and do things while your young.
im just really confused and i wish everything would sort itself out.
just think of how much easier life would be if i was born into money.
until next time.
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