May 12th, 2009

Livin' Life

Hello all who bother to come back here!

i know this is probably not read, but its a good way to let out my feelings and just say what i want too seeing as i dont really have someone to do that with. The boy listens but he doesnt understand. He's simple. he enjoys life and he understands that he is young. im trying to be a bit more light hearted and carefree but its proving to be more than difficult!

I just keep worrying myself with all of this unecessary stuff and its driving me crazy.

Speaking of crazy, i probly did something that i shouldnt have. As im sure ive mentioned in previous posts, i used to have a friendship with J, and i fell for him. But then he moved and became a dick blah blah blah. But i just for some reason havent been able to shake some lingering feelings for him. and i figured it was because i didnt have closure. the guy i liked before the boy, T, i dont harbor any ill will because although we were friends and he became distant when i told him i liked him, he never completely shut me out. and when i got with the boy my feelings dissapeared but he still talks to me and treats me with respect. With J, there was no reason for the talking to stop, his feelings were the same as mine at a certain point and he moved away (we continued talking) it wasnt like some kind of explanation was given, on any part, as to why we stopped talking. and thats what hurt. i didnt know if it was something that i did or something i didnt do, and thats what eats me up. we made promises to each other.

to put it simply i just want to punch him in the face.

but anyway back to the thing i shouldnt have done. well for starters i spoke to him. at our local beach there is a look out. not a high one but still people sit up there to survey the surf or just have silence. it was getting late-ish on a saturday afternoon and the beach was windy so i walked up to the showers to get rid of the sand on my feet (i hate sand) and as i turned to go i saw him on the lookout. i grappled with myself, go, dont go. go won. so i walked up to him. 'I thought you'd be out there.'

He looked at me, and honest to god he didnt recognise me. then he realised and said hey. We got to talking, uni, friends, work etc. nothing personal and all very straightforward. i was the one that left the conversation and i walked away as if it was one of the biggest mistakes id made in a while. he wasnt worth my time, he hurt me but i knew that some part of me thought that if i showed him some attention he would apologise or want to be friends again, or even show some kind of remorse. stupid i know, but im a girl and i have way too much faith in the idea that everything will work out like a television show. lol.

2nd bad thing but that i dont really consider bad. actually i do it in the hopes that it will make him feel guilty. i wish him a happy birthday. because i remember his birthday and because i know he wont rememember mine. it was simple.

'ill just thought id join in in what everyone else has already said. Happy birthday, j.'

3rd bad thing and this is probably the worst one.

for some time now i had been considering sending , anonomously, j a letter. i came up with a few things that i wanted to send. they basically all consisted of similar content, you hurt me, i think i still love you, your an ass, how could you do this to me?

in the end i decided on some pictures not of us but of things that represnted us. ill post them below. and then i put in a little note, 'if you figure this out, fine, im not embarassed to admit what you did to me.' or something like that. a little stalkerish i know, but i felt like i needed to say something, do something and in a sense it has worked. but part of me wanted him to know it was me and to send me an email, a text, a letter back. anything. no necessarily saying im sorry, that wasnt required, i dont even think that would help. but even just to say 'fuck off you crazy bitch' at least that way he was acknowledging me you know?

but of course i recieved nothing. hey, for all i know, he didnt recieve it. i assumed he still lived at home cuz id seen him driving around. but it could have been lost in the mail or anything. and its not like i can ask him cuz that would make it dead obvious and awkward.

gee it feels good to spill all of this.

so what else. nothing really. im glad im not around him very often because it would make it harder, even after a few years, but again it comes down to closure, and what wasnt said or explained.

hope you have a good rest of your week, and look forward to your weekend.


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