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July 30th, 2009


A Sad Thought

Posted on 2009.07.30 at 17:59
Current Location: Switzerland
Current Music: The Cary Brothers- Ride
Good Afternoon everyone.


I am greeting you from Switzerland where i hae been for a month now and have a little over a month and a half to go. i was worried at the start that i would start to miss home really quickly but as of right now, i am fine, i really havent missed the boy to the point where i want to cry or anything like that.
At the start i wasnt really fazed by the whole europe thing, but now that ive seen some of it and time has started to speed up (the first 2 weeks went really slow) im glad i still have 6 weeks to go. i remember when i was counting down from 6 weeks! its crazy how fast time goes.
ive seen Paris and a place in Italy called Lake Orta, about an hour from Milan and really beautiful. except i got food poisoning from spag bol. the italians cant even make their signature dish!

anyway the main reason for my coming on here is because as usual because i dont have J there is something that i want to talk about but just cant with anyone i know and have them really understand and not think im an idiot or want to talk about something else. That was the beauty of my relationship with J we would each listen to what the other had to say, no matter what and i miss that.

So anyway, i just turned 20 and when i was in year 7 (first year of highschool 12 turning 13) my first highschool crush was M. he was a year older than me and the older brother of my younger brothers best friend (following?) Anyway, because i was completely different in year 7 i never spoke to him, mainly because he was popular. but i did alot of staring and marveled at the fact that someone could look even better when they wore glasses. He had blonde hair, was tall, had blue eyes and a killer smile. a real pretty boy. but eventually i came to notice through observation that he was different than i thought he was. Popular guys are usually dicks, yes? well i could tell by his mannerisms and the way he talked and laughed that he just wasnt like that. and i was hugely glad.

anyway one day my brother told me that his friend was coming over to pick him up, sure enough when there was a knock on the door not only was my brothers friend standing there but so too were his father, his youngest brother and.... M. Now let me just say this, that as much as i care about and put time into my appearance now, i didnt then. i had frizzy hair that was permanently in a pony tail wore no make-up, lived in shorts and was essentially a tom boy, but still when we all stood around talking M made an effort to include me in the conversation, he didnt avert his eyes when i spoke like all the popular people i knew, he was... nice.

this visit really was the jackpot for me, whenever he saw me at school from then on it was 'hi R's sister.'
and replied with. 'Its *** M.'
a smile and then, 'i know.'
its funny cuz when you think back on the way you were when you were younger how you dressed, how you acted, what you thought, 'oh my god he likes me!' its all so embarrasing, but after that night i did notice that M noticed me. if he was outside of a classroom for being disruptive and i walked past, i could tell that his head would follow me. Hell even my friends would say 'was M just watching you?'

at the end of year 7 and M's year 8 he moved up the north coast with his mum and brothers because his mum and dad split up. i was devastated but only momentarily, there wasnt really anything was there? and this made it easier to get over my stupid crush. then i remember that i was at the shops with my nan and i saw him with one of his brothers and father, and i couldnt believe that he was there, he wasnt meant to be there. so i did the most stupid thing, i stared. i couldnt help it, i hadnt seen him in a year, he looked at me nodded, and then i had jelly legs for the rest of the day.

in year 7 we do whats called 'office duty' its basically helping out the office ladies. do some filing, some photocopying, and deliver messages to students that either had to go to another teacher immediately or after class. but sometimes they get older kids to do it too, like, kids in year 8, kids like me. Imagine my absolute glee when i picked up a piece of paper that said that i had to get M and take him to Mr. X!
'Hey ***''
'Hey M you glad to be back?'
'Yeah, it sucked up there.'
'How come you moved back?'
He hesitates. 'I didnt get along with my stepdad. i hated him, we got in a fight and i punched him.'
I am shocked. 'ok.'
'Dont tell anyone ok?' He turns to me. 'Because noone knows.'
'ok i wont.' I promise him.
'Ok well cya.' he says as we reach the room that he needs.

i cant believe he has just told me this! we are barely friends and he tells me that he hit his stepdad? i suppose that s the point though. tell someone that you never speak to, get it off your chest without worrying about having to speak to them about it again.

M being back was talked about at school, but out of all the people i spoke to about this hugely hot guy, it was clear to me that no one did know the reasons behind why M was back. M came back first, his younger brother would join him the next year and the youngest 2 years after that. something to do with the ages or something.

Next time was at my brothers and M and his brothers old primary school fete, just a few random words and my encouragement towards him dunking a guy on one of the games.
i always respected M for not treating me like a total loser. he was nice,and that was the most important thing.

So point of my entry, M has cancer. has done i would say for almost a year now, or more. My mum saw him a my brothers football game where M's younger brother was also a team member. Mum didnt even know for sure, she just made assumptions from his skinny and bald appearance.
i spoke to my friends about it a few nights later and was informed that he was in remission. good news.
then i saw him at the shops a few weeks before i left to come over here, he was still skinny and bald.
and now my friend messages me and says there is a local club night on and because M is a DJ that all proceeds of the night are going towards his treatment.
i wish i could go, i just feel so bad for him and his family because they are all such good people. i was glad to hear that his girlfriend, who i used to play soccer with, was still with him because i can only imagine the amount of support that he would need, from someone else other than his family. i mean can you even imagine going through what he is?
21 and your life coming to a standstill, you dont know if you are going to get through it and if you do are you ever going to be the same?
yet another reason why i choose not to believe in god, why does M deserve this. not even the most horrid of actions dignifies this as a punishment. to be weakened and helpless, to worry your family and put them into debt, to make those around you sad, and you yourself depressed.

it must be hard for him to keep an open and positive mind, but i hope that he is, and most of all i hope he gets through this. He doesnt deserve it, no one does.

My thoughts are with you M, thankyou for memories you have given me, for being the first to prove that the popular guys arent always dickheads and that a smile really can light up a room.

A hug for you M i hope you can feel it when you need to. :-)


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