April 15th, 2010

Writer's Block: Turn and face the strain

What is the biggest major life change you've made in the past five years? Do you think it was positive, negative, or neutral?

Haha, i love these things, it gives me things to talk about and im still being honest in a way that a journal needs to be!

Ok, last 5 years? Well in that time i would say that there have been a few major life changes. I graduated school, finished a book, moved in with my dad, saw europe, decided what career path i am going to choose and experienced many new things out in the "real" world.
But not necessarily in that order! lol.

But i think the thing that has been the most life altering for me would have been moving in with my father.
My Dad has a very contrasting personality. On one hand he is a major stress head but he never yells. He is absolutely meticulous but wont get frustrated if my room is messy. He is the funniest person i know but also one of the shyest.
My mum and i have basically the same personalities so when i lived with her we would always clash and fight. Plus she was a single parent of 4 with a tiny income and that also caused more stress. Which in turn caused more rifts between us.

With my Dad i think its been because he has been separated from his kids (we only saw him on weekends growing up) for so long and he only saw us for small amounts of time that he never yells or gets mad at us. He doesnt see the need and he knows it wont get him anywhere.

With my dad nothing is too much for me and my brother. We are his world and he will do anything. Travelling back and forth to get us from mums. Getting us at all hours. And recently while i have been looking for jobs, waiting for over an hour whilst i am in an interview. Yes it is boring for him and yes he probably wishes he was somewhere else but i am his daughter and that is enough reason for him to hang around.
If it were my mother she would have told me to make my own way. She wouldnt even offer. And i know in a sense thats fair enough but its nice to now live somewhere where i dont feel like a burden. My mum would make it so plainly obvious that she didnt want to take us anywhere, make it obvious that it was such a big chore for her and that it was using so much petrol. 
Thankgod the boy got his license as early as he could! haha.

My dad loves me, he tells me that every day. We always give each other hugs and he makes me aware of the fact that he would do anything for me, that i am his princess and while i know my mother loves me and i love her i believe that leaving her was the smartest thing ive ever done. I am happier, i stress less and definately feel like less of a burden.

But in saying that because i have lived away from my father for so long i have also grown away from some of the comfortableness that i have with my mum and my brothers at her place. For instance i would never fart around my father despite he makes a sport out of it! 
The way i am at the two places varies a little. But once again if i was able to go back to when i was 4 years old and my parents split up and i was able to choose which parent i lived with i would chose my father. Every time. I love my mum, but like i said, i dont think i benefited from being brought up by her. She was single without a job and i spent so much of my time just hating her.
My father is a smart man, intellectually and financially and i just think that i would have enjoyed my childhood more was i not worrying about having to look after my brothers or if mum was going to make ends meet this week.

Living with mum was stressful, i still feel it whenever i visit her despite the fact that she is now engaged to a financially stable man.

End of story, i love my dad i love my mum, but the best decision i have made in the last five years was moving from one place to another.

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This is in regards the boy. He has wanted to be a police officer for as long as he can remember. One of those little boy dreams i suppose and he is currently in the process of making this dream a reality. 
Despite my many protests.
Dont get me wrong, i am grateful for police officers. They are brave and strong and we need them in every community.
I just dont want them to have my partner as one of theres.
You know how you can refer to people as glass half full or glass half empty sorts of people? Well the boy is glass ENTIRELY full. There is no negative to any situation, no negative side even exists and thats what worries me.
He is going into this expecting guns, high speed chases and good old fashioned fights. He's not seeing, the boring two years training, the tons of paperwork, dealing with drunken idiots or whiny people with nothing better to do. And worse he's not thinking about car accidents where people are killed and are hardly recognizable. He's not thinking about rape victims or dead children or murder. He's not thinking about any of that.
And he says to me (and many of you are probably thinking it) "why would i think about all that stuff?"
And my response to him is that he has too. He has to consider how his life will be altered and how his mind could be changed. I dont want we he sees and then is unable to talk about with me (the boy isnt so good at sharing feelings because, well, he never is really upset to the point of needing to share) to change him or our relationship. I don't want him to come home injured, even if its just a bruise.
The boy is a pure spirit. I often make fun of him for being so naive. He has never experienced heartbreak, death of a loved one, travel, a fight with a friend. Most of the things that people have experienced by his age he hasn't and im worried that him going into this will give him the biggest shock and it will either
A) Change his mind about wanting to do it
B) Change him.

And frankly the second option scares me, i don't want anything to change.

But the thing that gets me (and maybe this is a bit selfish) is that he isnt considering me in any of this. I mean i suppose he is in a sense that he sees the money and that we can move out sooner, but in terms of this job changing him, changing our relationship or in worst case scenario taking him away from me forever he isn't considering me. He isnt thinking about what i would be without him. Which is a hopeless, blubbering mess.
I put what i wanted (career wise) on hold so that he could make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I don't want to be tied down with uni work if i only get to see him a day or so a week if his is in training. I could go overseas again, i could do so many things had he decided just a little bit sooner what he wants to do.
But thats the way i am. I NEED him in my life and as much as he loves me i don't think he relies on me as much, and if he does he doesn't show it.

In all honesty, im scared.