Well lean back because i have a feeling that this is going to be a really long post!
Im still in Europe, im down to my last couple of weeks and i cant decide weather or not i want to go back home. i mean, sure im looking forward to seeing the boy and my dad's new house and playing pool and all that, but at the end of the day Australia isnt Europe. It isnt as interesting and the people are all so different. Here the people are all sing-song, and fresh and real. And for god sake, its Europe! you know, i mean i shouldnt be feeling any sort of inkling to go back home. But then i suppose that would make me a bad girlfriend.
But seriously my aunty lives here. She works here and while a visa stipulates that you can only spend 3 months here at a time, France is an hour and a half drive away. London is an hour plane ride away. A simple weekend trip resets the three months. its pretty awesome.
Speaking of my Aunty, its so good to be around her, she really is the family member that i get along with the best (besides my parents) and the fact that she has never been married and has no children sort of makes her cooler because she is laid back. i mean she is laid back anyway, she doesnt even know what the word 'stress' means! She had been with her partner for 13 years, engaged for 7 and then he said that he wanted to break up. Its almost been a year, and so she is still bitter and emotional at times, but she does seem to be going ok. They are trying to sell the house that they owned together in Australia so thats also making it a bit hard, but at the end of the day she knows she needs to let go. and in a sense i suppose i do to. i mean J has been around since i was 7, he's all i remember my aunty being with. and he was always my favourite to, so the fact that he was such a dick, and also knowing that i am never going to see him again, sort of sucks you know?
Moving on, i suppose to the Boy, five years came in July and i really cant believe i have been with him for that long, it all has gone so crazy fast, but since ive been here, i dont know if its because im happy or because i know im going home, but, i dont miss him. I think i might have had two or three days where i really miss him and im pretty sure i can blame those on hormones. I dont know, i think its because while i know he loves me he doesnt really show it. He can go days without saying i love you. he rarely randomly kisses me, im always the one asking for them, i just dont see us as the couple that we could be. he wont talk to me about what he wants or how he feels about anything. We are adults now, and so the jobs that we want to chose a permanent career paths need to be discussed together. The boy has always said that he wanted to be a paramedic now he is saying he wants to be a police officer. neither option i am particularly fond of but at the end of the day if i had to chose one it would be paramedic.
I want to be a writer her knows this, but at the same time i also want to go to uni and when i mention that this would be hard because i cant go to uni until 2011 and then thats three years where technically i can only work part time to be able to keep up with the work flow, the boy says, fine do it. Like he doesnt realise that i DO want to move out before im thirty and get married and be with him. I need him to make the same sort of commitment that i have already started to make. i am willing to sacrifice not going to uni if it means that we can move forward on other plans. He is like my aunt in that sense, no stress and whatever happens will happen. and while i have tried a billion times to be like that, i cant. i need structure. I love him all the same though.
Moving on again, I suppose i should call this a boy blog because every time i come on here its to talk about a boy i think! First off let me just get one thing straight Im not someone who goes around purposely flirting or hooking up with people. i have been unfaithful in the past but, well thats in the past. and while that experience made me feel beyond guilty, sometimes when i talk to a guy or get along with a guy i miss the feeling of getting to know a person. That feeling of when you go home after spending a day with them all you can do it think about everything you talked about over and over again. and maybe yeah, what it would be like to kiss that person. i think its only natural. and seeing as i write almost every day about the feeling of first coming to terms with liking a person it makes it hard to not think about all that sort of stuff during a conversation with a good looking guy.
I miss going home and thinking about someone over and over, the thrill of getting to know someone, an impending first kiss, mistaken touches that leave your skin tingling. just the whole lot. i miss it. but i love the boy. some tell me that now is the time when i should be out meeting all different kinds of people and 'experiencing' them. but why would i throw away something that is brilliant for something that 'could' be good. you may get along with someone fantastically but as soon as it becomes more serious other issues may start to arise. I for one know that i would be hard pressed to find a guy that will tolerate me like the boy does. He has endless amounts of patience whereas i have none, so we balance each other out. if i were to date a guy with my level of patience we would not last even two seconds. so for that i am grateful. sometimes i just wish that monogamy wasnt such a big deal.... as awful as that sounds.
Anyway, i suppose onto the point of this post, O. O is a boy, that i have met here in Europe. or well 'did' meet. He left about a week ago to go back home because he was just working here for the summer. He was here when i got here and my aunty and all her friend were like you have to come and meet a work collegue's brother he is way cute! and when i saw him not only did i think he was at least 25 i didnt really think he was my type. Really tall, dark hair, athletic build. sounds all good right? but something just didnt click with me right away. Then seeing as his work place was a local hangout for us all, i got to checking him a bit more often, and each time i gradually liked what i saw more and more. I had been here a month when his brother told me that he was 19 (!!!!!!!) finding this very hard to believe i also took it on board that if it werent for the boy, O would be fair game. 6 months younger than me, never going to see him again, perfect. Still we had never said more than an occasional 'hi.'
then dinner at my aunty's sort of partners place. D informs me that he has invited a 'date' for me. a date?
A's brother! my aunt shouts and D smiles. i groan, knowing that this is more than likely going to be awkward but really thanking my lucky stars that i bothered to change and fix my hair and make up before coming over. A and O arrive about a half an hour later, A introduces me to his brother who i offer my hand to, he takes a hold of it but automatically swoops down from his 6'5" height kisses my cheeks three times as is customary here. I mention how tall he is and he only smiles. To be honest i wasnt expecting the kisses, but then i guess i should have even the 5 year olds here know that it is customary to kiss the cheeks 3 times. at first i thought it was a little weird but now i guess i am grateful for it. :-)
Dinner went down rather well, we found out that O worked at the local place 6 days a week and usually for about 12 hours a day. he was paying for accomodation at uni back home. Lets just say he is from one country but was born and raised in another and the last year was the first year that he had spent in the country that he is actually from. did that make any sense? his father lives in that country, but not with him. and his mother lives here, as does his brother. Which is how he got the job.
We venture down to a sporting event afterwards where my aunt tries to surruptuously push me onto O despite my feeble protests of 'i have a boyfriend' to which her only response is 'its just a kiss!'
O is pleasant i will give him that. but im pretty sure he is not attracted to me. He doesnt attempt any moves on me, but this just may be because his brother is sitting behind him. We end the night and i go home thinking Shit! i find him on facebook but dont add him, thinking that it would seem to keen, no i would leave it for a couple of weeks. but a few days later Aunty comes home saying that she spoke to D who said that O thought i was related to D. Shocked, i laugh but realise that this is my perfect in, when it comes to facebook. i add him and leave a message. 'You thought i was related to D? i thought i sounded Australian.' i get a response within half an hour to my delight, 'My bad, i've got cousins in Sydney so thought it was a similar situation. And you two seem to get along like peas in heavily locked cell : )'
then he comes on line and mentions that he loves how i have perfectly labelled each of my photo's. our conversation goes for three hours, only ending at 2am when neither of us can keep our eyes open any more. He says he will be at work tomorrow and i mention that i might pop over.
i only have a half day the next day at my work and so when i finish at 1 i get on my bike and begin the right back to Aunty's. its not a very nice day, its not raining but its cloudy and pretty cold, and seeing as the cafe is outside i cant help but laugh to myself when i ride past and see him sitting there by himself, not a customer in sight and reading the paper. i throw a u-turn and come back, stopping in front of him. 'you look bored.' he looks up and smiles. 'Extremely.' i perch myself on a stool and our conversation begins. Tattoos, sports, music, phones, you name it i think we talked about it.
it has been so long since i have spoken to a guy like this i cant help but relish in it. There is not one single awkward silence, not one. i am so happy about this i almost laugh to myself. He goes to the kitchen and comes back out saying. 'Seriously i dont know what i would have done if you didnt stop. Committed suicide probably.' i tell him its fine, that i had nothing to do either.
secretly i grappled with myself all morning as to weather i should stop by. would it look too desperate after how much we had talked the night before? how would i make my entrance, but him being there by himself couldnt have been more perfect.
I get a message from aunty. 'So do you know if O is working tonight? Should we stop by for a look... i mean drink? :-P' i show the message to O. he laughs knowing how his brother and his crowd are, and also because i told him that i copped a lot of flak when aunty found out that we were talking late and after the dinner at D and the sporting event. He says he is used to it. But to say hi to aunty. I feel like maybe i should mention that i am not there to try and snag him or sleep with him, that i would simply like some young person conversation but i never bring it up. if O is uncomfortable then it doesnt show. i respond with 'Guess where ive been since 1? He says hi.'
He gets me drinks, and chips and come 7 o'clock says that we can go upstairs and have dinner while he is on break, what would i like? My stomach does butterflies as i tell him he can chose for me. then the boss says that he cant have a break. O is annoyed as he will be working 12 hours with no break and will have to eat at the bar in between serving people. i am disappointed but i get happy when things quieten down and we sit opposite each other to eat, outside, by the lake, at sunset and arent disrupted once. I tell him later that if he wants me to leave he will have to tell me because i have nothing else to do and he in turn tells me that he wont be offended if i do want to leave at any point. in my head i am screaming that there is no way that i am going anywhere.
A little while later i notice the first of the crew N arrive. i had been thinking in my head for the last 15 minutes that i just wanted to lean over and kiss his cheek to say thanks. but i couldnt work up the courage. but when i see N i just lean up and smile, 'come here' i motion. He leans a little forward. 'More' a little more. i laugh, 'more.' he does so. i rest my hand on his shoulder and place a kiss on his cheek. when i had been thinking about it in my head i wanted to linger slightly but for some reason when i do it it is quick, and i curse myself. 'Thanks for lunch and dinner.' i say not meeting his eyes and sitting back down. 'Just wanted to do that before the tribe got here.' he laughs somewhat embarrased. 'thats ok.' and i can tell that he is genuine.
Should i also mention that when i first arrived here i was disappointed by the fact that i wasnt incredibly attracted to men speaking french. i took all of that back the minute i heard O speak french. something about it was different. i dont know weather it was because he spoke such perfect unaccented english that i didnt expected him to be so good at the french, but it was perfect. every word rolled of his tongue in a way that made me shiver. even hearing him speak german (yes, a man of many talents!) was nice. he tells me that he learnt to speak french before english and his english wasnt french accented because he had non french parents who always spoke english. but never the less you can tell that english isnt his first language, he tripped up quite a few times during the day much to my amusement, when he tried to say a french word in english instead of the english translation.
It is O's last night at work. he leaves for Paris the next day where he is attending a music festival and seeing both of his sisters and their new born babies (O freely admitted to me earlier that he shed a tear when he saw pictures of his niece). We hang around till he closes up and at 11.30 after 10 and a half hours of being at the cafe/bar it is time to say goodbye. My aunty is telling me that its ok, she can take my bike home for me. and secretly im sort of hoping that she needs to. But at the same time, like i said earlier i dont think that O is attracted to me. we get along fine but there is no flirting that i can make out, no cheeky comments or anything like that. just pure good conversation. so i suppose i shouldnt have been disappointed when he kisses me three times, says thanks for spending the day with him and then goes on his merry way.
The rest of the group looks at me in surprise. 'shouldnt you be following him?' boyfriend. i remind them. but i am really disappointed. but what was he supposed to say, 'come walk with me back to my mothers place so we can sleep together?' we are 19 and 20, we dont have as much experience at 1 night stands as the crowd who were saying that because i had been there for 7 hours we should be at second base.
i ride my bike home, wondering weather or not i should cry. i talk to him briefly that night and then the next day i wish there was some way that i could actually see him. but we speak to each other again that night at about 2am while he is in paris. part of the conversation we had had at the cafe was about our phones. he had bought a new one and he wasnt happy with the picture quality of it. he takes a picture of me to show the point. and its not attractive. i tell him to delete it. i take one of him but you cant really see him, but when i upload it i lighten it and there he is pulling a blue steel. but he looks good, and im glad i got the picture. he says he will upload the picture of me later. i protest saying that i said to delete it. he says that i didnt see it, i say i did. he relents but then says that the picture quality is actually pretty good. that you can see the 'super smoothness of my skin.' i blush, glad that he cant see it and say 'Arent you smooth! maybe your camera just liked me.' to which he responds, 'yeah, i could hear it "rawr"-ing from my pocket.' i laugh. slight flirting. excellent.
he tells me that his niece and nephew are absolutely 'munchable' and that he cradled his nephew to sleep that night. that putting up with the smelly pervy man on the train was worth it 'to arrive to these angels.'
i havent spoken to him in a few days since he's been making the journey back home, but i want to so badly. i dont want to send him an email for fear of it sounding to desperate, but i know it will get the better of me soon. a few times ive come online and found that ive missed him by 10 minutes, and it makes me want to scream. i know i shouldnt be this wrapped up in him but i cant help it, and i know me so i know it will pass.
Ive said to aunty and her good girlfriend who has also become a good girlfriend of mine, that in a sense im glad i only spoke to O a couple of times before he left, because if i had spoken to him from the moment i got there then 1. i probably would have been unfaithful and 2. i would miss him more than i miss him now. im the type of girl that will churn conversations over and over in her head long after they have happened and get stupid infatuated crushed. my gym instructor is a prime example! but still as i said to them as well. it wouldnt have mattered if he looked like Orlando Bloom. The fact that he is attractive has nothing to do with it, if i couldnt have a decent conversation with him, i would have forgotten about it. The main thing that makes me want to know O and want to talk to him is the simple fact that i CAN talk to him. he is NICE and i know that a horrible thing to say, that he is nice. but he is. and its not often that you come across a 19 year old guy who is not a dick and doesnt just try to get into your pants for the sake of it. O didnt try and get rid of me once in the 10 hours that i was at the cafe. he didnt avoid my eyes when we talked, if anything he sought them out. he included me in conversation, he was easy going.... he was... nice. and i sucks that i will probably never see him again, i suppose thats what is making all of this all the more worse. that i will never see him again.
I suppose at the end of the day, i dont know much about him, i dont know his favorite colour or his favorite football team. i dont know how he feels about girls or what he goes for, other that brunettes, much to my delight, but everything i did find out, i liked, i liked everything that i got to know in those few short days. his smile, his sense of humor, his kindness and how when we speak on the internet he tells me goodnight and gives me kisses, no hugs. :-)