Livin' Life

Hello all who bother to come back here!

i know this is probably not read, but its a good way to let out my feelings and just say what i want too seeing as i dont really have someone to do that with. The boy listens but he doesnt understand. He's simple. he enjoys life and he understands that he is young. im trying to be a bit more light hearted and carefree but its proving to be more than difficult!

I just keep worrying myself with all of this unecessary stuff and its driving me crazy.

Speaking of crazy, i probly did something that i shouldnt have. As im sure ive mentioned in previous posts, i used to have a friendship with J, and i fell for him. But then he moved and became a dick blah blah blah. But i just for some reason havent been able to shake some lingering feelings for him. and i figured it was because i didnt have closure. the guy i liked before the boy, T, i dont harbor any ill will because although we were friends and he became distant when i told him i liked him, he never completely shut me out. and when i got with the boy my feelings dissapeared but he still talks to me and treats me with respect. With J, there was no reason for the talking to stop, his feelings were the same as mine at a certain point and he moved away (we continued talking) it wasnt like some kind of explanation was given, on any part, as to why we stopped talking. and thats what hurt. i didnt know if it was something that i did or something i didnt do, and thats what eats me up. we made promises to each other.

to put it simply i just want to punch him in the face.

but anyway back to the thing i shouldnt have done. well for starters i spoke to him. at our local beach there is a look out. not a high one but still people sit up there to survey the surf or just have silence. it was getting late-ish on a saturday afternoon and the beach was windy so i walked up to the showers to get rid of the sand on my feet (i hate sand) and as i turned to go i saw him on the lookout. i grappled with myself, go, dont go. go won. so i walked up to him. 'I thought you'd be out there.'

He looked at me, and honest to god he didnt recognise me. then he realised and said hey. We got to talking, uni, friends, work etc. nothing personal and all very straightforward. i was the one that left the conversation and i walked away as if it was one of the biggest mistakes id made in a while. he wasnt worth my time, he hurt me but i knew that some part of me thought that if i showed him some attention he would apologise or want to be friends again, or even show some kind of remorse. stupid i know, but im a girl and i have way too much faith in the idea that everything will work out like a television show. lol.

2nd bad thing but that i dont really consider bad. actually i do it in the hopes that it will make him feel guilty. i wish him a happy birthday. because i remember his birthday and because i know he wont rememember mine. it was simple.

'ill just thought id join in in what everyone else has already said. Happy birthday, j.'

3rd bad thing and this is probably the worst one.

for some time now i had been considering sending , anonomously, j a letter. i came up with a few things that i wanted to send. they basically all consisted of similar content, you hurt me, i think i still love you, your an ass, how could you do this to me?

in the end i decided on some pictures not of us but of things that represnted us. ill post them below. and then i put in a little note, 'if you figure this out, fine, im not embarassed to admit what you did to me.' or something like that. a little stalkerish i know, but i felt like i needed to say something, do something and in a sense it has worked. but part of me wanted him to know it was me and to send me an email, a text, a letter back. anything. no necessarily saying im sorry, that wasnt required, i dont even think that would help. but even just to say 'fuck off you crazy bitch' at least that way he was acknowledging me you know?

but of course i recieved nothing. hey, for all i know, he didnt recieve it. i assumed he still lived at home cuz id seen him driving around. but it could have been lost in the mail or anything. and its not like i can ask him cuz that would make it dead obvious and awkward.

gee it feels good to spill all of this.

so what else. nothing really. im glad im not around him very often because it would make it harder, even after a few years, but again it comes down to closure, and what wasnt said or explained.

hope you have a good rest of your week, and look forward to your weekend.


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good afternoon all,
how are we? im not doing too bad actually. im happy because i got a job! just simple stuff, full time to give me money when i go overseas. ive paid for my passport (thank god they dont need to be updated often!) and apparently my ticket has been organised. My poppy is coming over with me two and staying for a couple of weeks so at least i wont get completely confused at airports and getting onto connecting flights. and because my poppy is a young poppy it should be good fun!
im feeling much better. sometimes i have lapses of doubt with myself and my abilities but i know that i can surpass them. ive got a job ive got my license and im going to europe in a few months. not to mention i have the best boyfriend in the world!
currently the boy is looking at houses to buy. just himself though. he will live in it for a little while, and i will join him sometimes, but essentially he wants to put renters in there and have them pay enough to cover his monthly payments on the mortgage. he almost bought an apartment the other day but then he decided that he could see himself more in a house, as he will eventually live in it.
ive been going to the gym alot more too. i always do cycle classes but ive been going up to do weight training to get some muscle into my skinny little arms. not to mention i want to be in shape for a summer in Europe!
i even signed up to do boot camp! crazy i know, but i was pumped, then i sprained my wrist about a week before boot camp started so i really struggled when i went, i had to tape up my wrist and take it easy. but bloody hell i was so sore the enxt day i could barely walk or move my arms. actually my torso was way more sore than my legs.
speaking of the gym, there is this totally hot guy that works there. my god that sounds juvenile. he is a personal trainer so he was one of the guys running the boot camp and he is also the instructor for the cycle classes.
He is 20, not hugely tall, dark hair. and i believe he has some aboriginal and something else in him. he only looks a small part islander. but he has the best body ever. i like guys with nice bums and boy does he have a nice bum. its like a bubble. lol. but his legs too and cuz they are hairless you can see all the definition. (sounds wierd i know) but when he's your instructor in a cycle class you cant help but notice! but he is just really sweet as well. when i went to the gym the day after boot camp he came and found me to make sure i was ok. i hate having stupid little infatuated crushes on guys but at the same time they are really fun! lol. i assumed he was in his mid 20's so when i found out he was only 20 i was like yes only a year older than me!
anyway i have to get ready to go out now. i hope all is well. ill check in when i can.
love to all.
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    Twilight Soundtrack

a friend named N

why am i greeting you in french you may ask? well there is good news, my aunty who lives in france has gotten me a summer job at her workplace so i will be spending 2 and a half months with her. beyond exited. almost got my passport organised (they are more expensive than i thought by the way)and i was expecting to have to pay for my ticket as well but apparently my dad is taking care of that for me. mind you i still need a job for a few months to save up some money, but i will be paid while im over there. im just on the web now trying to look up hotels in paris and rome etc for weekend trips that we are going to take.
anyway onto other things, there is one main thing that i want to discuss. the boy and i have a mutual friend, lets call him N. N has known the boy since they were about 8 and for a while in high school they werent as close but over the last couple of years or so they have become good friends again and since i am always around the boy i have become very good friends with N also.
N is odd, he is smart and he likes old literature but he isnt very straight forward, in order to explain a simple thing he will take the longest way around and try his hardest to confuse you, and it usually works! he likes being different, out of the ordinary, i think he does it to distract from the fact that he is incredibly good looking. i know awkward right? the best friend of the boy and you are attracted to him. but thats the funny thing. while i find N attractive i can never look at him like that. like some guys i meet and i think are hot and i wonder, what would they be like to kiss? but i have never really thought that about N which i suppose is a good thing.
N and i are easy around each other, every friday night, N the boy and i go out to play pool (i win at least one game a night thanks to N's tuition.)funnily enough though the thing that we talk about the most when we are out are which girls are hot in the room. his taste is rather bizarre. its almost like he chooses the ones that look different than normal standards deliberately just to be different. either way i have fun either agreeing with him or not. its the most amusing though when i go off to dance and he will come running to me to show me a hot girl. it takes me a moment to get over the giggles but then i usually agree. i like the fact that he is attracted to the odd redhead (his last girlfriend was one) but mainly brunettes and almost never blondes (yessssssssssssssss). anyway his most recent girlfriend was one that always had us wondering what the hell? she was a nice enough girl, a bit melodramatic though, and in blunt terms no where near attractive enough for him. everyone knew that she had had a crush on him forever and when they finally got together we all figured N was bored and thought he would give it a try. i used to have fun with it though because N would spend more time with me that he did with her while we were at school and i knew that it used to give her the shits. anyway about 6 months after they started dating N said to me that he wanted to break up with her. but he wouldnt because he has this bad thing where he wont just dump a girl. he has to somehow work it to his advantage so that he doesnt look like the bad guy, work it so that she wants to break up with him too. most of the time it worked but i knew it would never work with this girl, she had wanted him for too long. it got to the point where he wouldnt say i love you and when he did it was no where near often enough and apparently she wanted more.
over the last few months though and after almost a year and a half of dating N has attempted to just plainly break up with her several times cuz he was over it. but each time he has backed out and admitted to me that he was chicken shit.
but in the last couple of weeks they had made it clear to each other that it was getting pretty hard and they didnt know if it was going to work out,
so get this, last night when he told me about the recent news i said that he was using her. he didnt understand how this was so, he thought he was protecting her feelings by not breaking up with her. i said, so your with her when you dont want to be, you tell her you love her but you dont, you have sex with her but your not using her? and he said that he's not. i dont understand what his reasoning was but anyway his girlfriend came to where we were playing pool last night and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
then tonight just minutes before i started writing this, N comes over to play playstation with the boy. Immediately i can tell something is up but i dont bother asking because i figure he is a boy and he'll never admit it even if something is wrong.
He hands me a book that he said he would get me because the writing is just beautiful, its Perfume by Patrick Suskind. Then he says that him and his girlfriend broke up the night before. (!!!!!!!!!)
I dont ask any questions figuring that he will tell me when and if he wants too. then he admits that he doesnt feel anything regarding the relationship. i resist the urge to point and say 'i told you so.' because i have always said that it would be easier to break up with her if he didnt feel anything towards her anymore, but dont.
I guess i won the argument last night though, apparently the girlfriend thought the same thing. well that and he wouldnt give her 'more' whatever that is.
au revoir
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    Kevin Rudolf

getting better

hello all. Happy New Year! i hope every one had a nice time and didnt drink too much!
sorry its been so long im still having trouble with my internet so im having to use the boys computer which proves to be a little awkward. lol.
well nothing new to report really, still not working, im feeling a little better than i was a few weeks ago but i know im still not 100% and i want to be so badly. i got my license a few weeks ago so that means that now im kind of obligated to go and find new work even though i REALLY dont want to. i love the fact that i can drive though, i feel so much more independant. although now driving around in my shit box makes me really want a new car, for which i need a job! lol.
so came to the boys place on monday night and he said that he was going to make me dinner, so got here and he had set up the table by the pool with candles and everything and he had made me a baked dinner (very well i might add)! it was so cute. then he said there was more so he took me upstairs where he had run me a bubble bath in his spa bath and then lit more candles and had nice music playing. i almost started crying it was so cute and it just made me realise how lucky i am to have someone like him. as much as he annoys me sometimes and as much as i annoy him i really think we're perfect for each other.
the only thing thats starting to get to me is this though: over the course of 2008 he lost about 35 kilos that he had put on after a shoulder reconstruction so now he is really fit, and apparently with being really fit comes a very high libido. and with me being mostly depressed and on the pill my libido is basically non existent! lol. he was always into it about the same or a little more than me in the first stages of our relationship but now its just crazy! and i think its cuz he's more confident in his new body too.
so what else to report? well ive done a bit more writing, alot more reading, been making my way though every season of "house m.d" and i also watched season two of "the o.c" and i just bought season 3 of "NCIS" i wanted season 1 of "Bones" cuz i love that show but because its on tv at the moment i deliberated too much and it sold out so ill just have to wait.
anyway i think thats about it. me and the boy are leaving at 3 am to go on holidays with his family up north, they have been there for a week already. im excited been keen for ages!
love lots.


well ive been in the unemployment world for almost 2 weeks now. and no answers have popped into my head. im not stressing less or feeling any better about myself.
i still feel completely down every couple of days with no reasonable explanation. the boy doesnt understand he will just tolerate it until he cracks i suppose. ive been up her for 12 days now and going back to dads this afternoon. which should be interesting. i like being up here cuz there is more to do, the beach my friends. down at dads i can sit on my arse and watch tv, maybe go for a walk but thats about it. my friend that lives down the road works full time so thats a dead end.
i just keep overthinking everything and thats what my main problem is. i stress and i worry for things that arent even necessary. i want to move back up to where my mum is but i dont want to leave my dad. i want to go to uni but i dont know what i want to study and i know how expensive it is. and i can only work part time when im there so thats another three years when i cant move out with the boy. i know i dont have to go to uni but the way that i see it all the things that im interested in, career wise, involve me needing to go to uni. unless i become a paramedic or something but im not really interested in that.
i just want to be able to sit down in a clear peace of mind and have everything sort itself out. no more worrying no more overthinking. at this rate im going to drive everyone i know crazy and the one thing that i love will leave me.
i keep saying to myself that my life would be so much better if i could just be a 19 year old girl but it doesnt do anything. im wasting away my life and thats what is depressing. i need to do something about it now.
but the question is what?

first day of unemployment

Hi all,
well today is my first day of unemployment. and boy does it feel good. im at the boys house by myself. mum was meant to have called me already but of course she hasnt and of course her phone is off. i dont mind though. i have all the time in the world. im not worried right now about working and money and everything like that. i just want to enjoy being young and carefree. something i have not yet experienced thanks to stress and worries and everything like that. i just hope i get some closure from all this.
so this week im just going to be with mum and the boy and then next week im going to go driving with dad a bit more so that i can take my test again. and pass this time. sometimes i wish i drove an automatic but you feel like such a better driver in a manual. more control you know?i want a new car as well but money is going to be tight for a little while. and i want to go to europe next year too.
man i need to be rich.
the boys car is all finished. well almost. the wheels are on it and everything, he is just waiting for his new number plates (that i bought).
anyway, mum just rang, finally! so i have to get ready for the beach.


well tomorrow is my last day working for the company that i am currentyly with and to be honest im almost jumping for joy. not because i dont like the place cuz i do the people are nice and i get along with most of them. but i know that i need a change. so the boy will be coming to get me tomorrow night in his car and then im seeing my dads side of the family on sunday. and then im just going to spend most of the first week with my mum. we get along better now so thats good. we're going to go for walks while my little bros are at their various sporting events. lol.
i just want to float for a bit, be a floater. should be fun. and hopefully answers will just pop into my head!
yeah right, i know.
but heres to hoping!


ive decided that im going to start blogging about some books that ive read over the last year or so. (i read alot!) i mainly read teen books as this is what i write also so aside from the obvious (harry potter, twilight) there are three main teen books that always jump to the forfront of my mind when i think of good books. ill put on of them here and i will follow up with the rest later.

this young girl wrote and published this book by the time she was 19... i think. which to me is just inspiring. i have been writing a book since i was 14 and i still havent finished it. its hard when your young and your trying to write and go to school and have a social life, you start to notice your writing style change. and, like me, it just became too much to go back and edit so i sort of gave up. i will finish it one day but in the mean time i write little stories here and there and i have started another book. lol.
the thing that i love about this book is that it is clearly written by a young person. its not an older person trying to be a young person, trying to be cool or grasp our stupid sayings. it is all real. CAESAR is the jock, the guy who can send a wink your way and get you in bed a second later, with no feelings attached. the girls get attached to him of course, the lure of popluarity and the hottest boy in school, but caesar always shrugs away the feelings. until he meets EVA. the slightly asian looking new girl. im assuming thu based eva on alot of her self. but essentially i liked eva because she was a hard ass. and who doesnt like to see a cocky jock fall off his mighty pedestal? there is alot of dialogue (which i like) but no too much that you forget who is talking. i also loved the way that she described the way that caesar feels everything. im not a guy so i dont know if he would actually feel this way but i have a feeling it would be pretty damn close. most guys wouldnt admit to what caesar is feeling though. that is the downfall. they may think it but they would never admit it to anyone let alone the object of their affection. but still its a refreshing point of view and its good to see someone game enough to write that kind of stuff. when i write about teenage stuff i love it cuz i get to make guys anyway that i want. to say and do and be as romantic as ever. and lets face it, thats the way that most of us girls want guys to be so why not indulge in it a little.
the one thing that let me down about this book was the fact that eva and caesar never kiss. i think its the whole point of the story but still i just wanted that sexual tension between them over! you know that casear likes eva way more than she likes him but you know that she is still attracted to him and in some way could be with him. but in the end they are more suited platonicly. (did i spell that right? lol)
i love this book. how it flows nicely and keeps you wanting to read right till the end. Caesars sister annoyed me a bit but there are many families out there who have that kind of situation and i suppose its a bit of a stretch to expect a 17 year old guy to behave rationally in a situation like that.
i would recommend this book to guys and girls. the whole thing is written from a guys perspective after all!
excellent read.
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    hold music

a change

hello all,
sorry its been a while. my computer has done something funny with the internet at my dads house. im at my mums now while the boy is at a work party. a little disappointed that he said that i shouldnt go cuz id be bored but oh well.
well the last post i did, said that i was going to be working part time. well that was arranged i was due to start this coming week. instead last weekend i had a huge emotional breakdown and when i went in to work on monday i resigned. i had a big talk with my dad. possibly one of the longest that ive ever had with him. turns out my moods are a direct inheritance from him! and here i was thinking that i was the odd one out. but i think his are different to mine. and he told me that in regards to working and uni and having money that none of it mattered if i wasnt happy. that it didnt matter what other people said or thought cuz at the end of the day your the one that has to listen to the voice in your head and if its not happy then there is no way that you are. so i repeated this to my work and i resigned. they all agreed it was the best thing that i could do. that cuz im young this is the time that i need to be out experimenting with what i need to do. so now im trying not to worry about the money and just be happy.
moving onto other things the boy got his new car yesterday. well actually its not new and he has had it for a while. its a commodore and he had put it in to be resprayed. yes it did cost him alot of money but it looks really good. so we are just running around doing stuff for it at the moment.
so the aim is that when i finish work at the end of this coming week to get my license and just do alot of research on what i want to study in the coming years. and of course just do a little bit of temp work here and there.
im just undecided and i feel like i should be making decisions now when i shouldnt.
anyway. i need to go my hair now. got some chronic regrowth happening so i hope to talk to you soon.
i might start keeping a bit of a blog on the books i read too. bit of practice for journalism perhaps?
till next time

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    fort minor

my plan

its raining where i am. i love the rain.
my family thinks im weird because i like night better than day and winter better than summer. its not that i dont like the summer i just cant stand it when its so hot your uncomfortable. and i sweat easily (gross i know) and when i get overly hot i just freak out. and while i also hate being cold and it makes my hair frizzy i just love the rain. i went camping in january this year and it was absolutely torrential rain the 7 days that we were there. some parts of the camping ground got completely washed out, it was incredible.
but anyway onto other things.
as i have mentioned in previous entries i am struggling currently with my job and living with my dad and not seeing my b/f etc.
usually sundays are incredibly hard for me. i have to leave my boyfriend and then prepare myself for a job that i absolutely despise. actually i would probably like it more if i was living with the boyfriend.
i have come to the conclusion that i want to work part time. yes, its a pay cut but its still a HUGE increase on what i was earning when i was working during school but at the end of the day im not happy with the way my life is at the moment. i miss things to much and i feel like i really rushed into things. i need to slow down enjoy being young before i get old. i shouldnt feel this way and stress as badly as i do.
all of the people that i was friends with in school are basically at uni all the time and working one or two shifts a week. they are living on a tiny amount compared to me.
i know i will probably miss the money but at the end of the day its what i need to do now to be happy. i dont want to sink into depression (ive been there before and it feels like im headed that way again) again and i think a few small sacrifices are worth my peace of mind and emotional happiness.
anyway i have to blow dry my hair now and go sleepies.
ready for work tomorrow. hump day. only two days till is see the boy!
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    Mr JT